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READER INSIGHTS

‘Everything has to be planned’: How to have a successful relationship with a German

We were flooded with more than 100 responses in just a few days to our survey about the secrets of a successful relationship with Germans. From grappling with directness and punctuality to embracing cultural differences, here's what our readers had to say.

Published: 10 February 2023 16:01 CET
Updated: 14 February 2023 14:21 CET

A couple in Passau, Germany. Photo: picture alliance/dpa | Armin Weigel

Even the survey title might leave you wondering if there’s some sort of joke behind it. Can you have a successful relationship with a German – a people traditionally renowned for bluntness and rigidity?

yeah tell us honestly pic.twitter.com/wP6oOvbvJU

— Dana Regev (@Dana_Regev) February 9, 2023

All joking aside though, it seems a few of our readers really have cracked the code – or at least gotten firsthand experience of the cross-cultural pitfalls that can come up when you love a German, whether you’re dating, living together, or married.

What’s more, a sizeable chunk of our respondents have committed to their German for the long haul. 43 percent of those answering our questions are married to a German – the biggest single grouping in our survey—so there’s hope!

Just over 20 percent of our respondents live with their German partner, while 22 percent are going steady. Recognising that things don’t always work out – 11 percent of our respondents are divorced or separated from their German. But that obviously doesn’t mean they didn’t learn a few things.

Cracking the punctuality expectation

One of the most common responses – and frustrations – of our responding readers in relationships with Germans is the cultural obsession with punctuality, exact timing, and a lack of spontaneity.

“Everything has to be planned,” “having to schedule every tiny interaction ahead of time,” or some other variation – is a phrase we heard in irritation from plenty of loved up, but frustrated readers. Another joked “schedule spontaneity.” One Venezuelan reader in Frankfurt wrote that the fact her German partner ‘can’t cope when plans change’ is the most annoying part of her relationship.

Plenty of our respondents advise you to keep your watch working because you’re just going to have to accept how Germans view lateness – not favourably at all.

But one American reader in Hamburg, married to her German husband, advises you to communicate clearly that you’re expecting a bit of flexibility. Once advised, her husband seems ready to meet her halfway.

“I’ve made sure to tell my husband that I will be ready AROUND a certain time,” she writes. “If I tell him an exact time, he expects me to be ready at that time.”

Overly literal and direct? Understanding—and toughening up—with your German partner

What cultural differences impact a relationship with a German?

“The directness, for sure. I think everyone will say that, haha,” wrote Jessica, who lives with her German partner.

And sure enough – most did.

German directness can sometimes manifest itself in humorous ways for some – who find ways to laugh at how their German partner can be so literal.

“On his birthday, my friend made a joke saying ‘I hope that she has given you your annual gift haha’ (meaning sex),” says Jessica. “He looks confused and responds ‘well, of course, isn’t a birthday gift always annual?’”

Reader Nate had another example: “I said ‘how do you like the pasta?’ – the reply? ‘It’s fine, but you’ve made better before.’”

But obviously, German directness, especially in a relationship, can sometimes hurt. Here, our readers also suggest trying to understand that your German other half is dealing with a cultural difference just like you are.

“In Brazil, it’s common to use non-verbal communication to indicate discomfort, or to say things indirectly,” says a Brazilian reader living with her German partner in Vienna. “Being too direct is seen as rude or aggressive.”

But to someone raised in a culture of directness, this can come across as passive aggressive and leave them confused. “If something’s bothering you, why not just say what it is so we can solve the problem faster?” – they might wonder, perplexed as to why you might be leaving them guessing about how you’re feeling.

Here, many of our readers suggest embracing the German way – at least to a point – and confront any cultural differences, yes, directly.

A love heart with the words: Ich hab' dich lieb in a shop window in Dortmund.

A love heart with the words: Ich hab’ dich lieb in a shop window in Dortmund. Photo: picture alliance / dpa | Ina Fassbender

“Be clear with expectations or with what you want, don’t assume,” says Carina, who is married to her German partner. “Try to explain why you have a different opinion, how is it viewed in my culture so he or she can see where you’re coming from, without judgment. Also allow your partner to explain. Respect differences and embrace the positive side of both cultures.”

“I say what I expect from him instead of assuming he will know,” says a married American in Karlsruhe.

One reader says once you embrace German directness, you might grow to prefer it.

“The level of directness is different, but I like it because it leads to better and more open communication and fewer misunderstandings,” says Hannah. “Honestly, she got a bit more Americanized and I got a bit more German. We both just share feelings and discuss things in the moment. We don’t let anything fester too long.”

How to warm up to German coldness

Another common response was that German partners can sometimes feel cold and distant.

“He needs prompting for romantic gestures,” says Jillian, a Canadian married to her German husband. “But he also sees women not as objects, but as equals – which is lovely. I’m used to seeing objectification as attraction, for example, commenting on how I look.”

Others find it hard to figure out just how their German feels about something – mostly because many don’t express themselves with the same enthusiasm that might be evident in some other cultures.

Germans aren’t known for overly romantic gestures. Photo: Freepik

“His ‘it tastes good’ would equal my ‘this tastes ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! THANK YOU SO MUCH!’” says Dylan, an American when talking about his German boyfriend.

He warns against falling into the trap of “believing they don’t love you because they might not be as verbally expressive or overly exaggerate their emotions,” he says. “The way they display their love and affection might be different from ours.”

Many of our readers advise watching out for how Germans might show their love for you through actions, rather than words.

Embrace the cultural differences

Finally, just get used to the fact that there are some things you’re going to have to live with that might seem a little strange.

I carry all the crates of water we seemingly have to buy every week as if the tap didn't produce the same stuff already.

We've lasted 15 years based mostly on that. https://t.co/fcLJKmJ1LT

— Nic Houghton (@40PercentGerman) February 9, 2023

Whether it’s a love for bottled water rather than tap, döner, bread for dinner (good old Abendbrot), trying to get your head around two duvets on your bed, or the constant need for fresh air (yes, Lüften) – it’s never a bad thing to have a sense of humour about the serious business of having a relationship with a German.

Thank you so much to everyone who completed our survey. Although we weren’t able to use all the responses, we read them all and they helped inform our article.

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'No-one will offer me a job': How having a foreign name affects life in Germany

Life in Germany can be challenging sometimes. Whether it’s the stress of finding an apartment, trying to progress in your chosen career or navigating the world of online dating, foreigners face many of the same difficulties Germans do – but they may also face more disadvantages.

Recently, a now-deleted post on social media outlet Reddit claimed to have “cracked the code” for finding a job in Germany. The author of the post had gone from receiving a response on around 1 in 40 applications to receiving a response to around 1 in 4 – all after changing their name to a German-sounding one.

As dramatic as this may sound, it is far from the only story of name-based discrimination in Germany.

Foreigners regularly complain of being passed over for apartments, regardless of their financial status, because their status as an “outsider” is obvious from their name. From dating apps to the doctors’ surgery, can a foreign name sometimes act as an albatross around your neck, making it harder to succeed in the Bundesrepublik?

When The Local surveyed readers on the issue, the answer appeared to be “yes”. Around three quarters (76 percent) of respondents said that their name had affected their life in Germany, with 12 percent saying it hadn’t and a further 12 percent saying they didn’t know.

Of those affected, around 90 percent said it had either impacted their lives moderately or to an extreme degree, with 30 percent saying that it had had a profound impact on their lives.

Finding an apartment and looking for a job emerged as the areas where people felt most discriminated against, with 64 and 60 percent citing these issues respectively. Career progression (44 percent), online dating (40 percent) and applying for loans (20 percent) came next, with eight percent also mentioning discrimination in a medical setting, such as a clinic or GP’s office.

Adithya Srinivasan, a 29-year-old software developer living in Berlin, charted his experience of house-hunting in a blog on his website. Having applied for 36 apartments and been ghosted on each of his applications, he decided to use the name of his then-partner instead, who had a German-sounding name.

Immediately, he started getting responses, either to say that the apartment had been taken or to invite the couple to viewings.

Ultimately, after just 11 applications using the new name, the pair were offered a place to live.

‘Implied’ discrimination

Though a case like Adithya’s may feel clear-cut, the problem faced by many foreigners who experience this kind of discrimination is that it is often more implied than explicit.

This can lead foreigners to wonder if they’re building things up in their heads, or whether they really are being treated differently.

Berlin resident Tarik, 30, said he felt like he received more rejections on dating apps due his foreign-sounding name – but that he had no way to prove it.

Shah, 34, said he had received abuse on dating apps, struggled to find an apartment and had also had difficulties in his job search.

“People just don’t invite you unless they have an alternative,” he said.

A user scrolls on popular dating app Tinder. Foreigners have complained of the difficulty of dating in Germany with a non-German name. Photo: picture alliance/dpa | Sina Schuldt

A similar problem was faced by, Mr. Heriberto, a 53-year-old US citizen of Hispanic descent who has been struggling to find a job in Germany.

“It doesn’t matter that I have two university degrees and one is a Bachelor of Science; I have sent over 300 CVs in the course of one year and no-one will offer me a job,” he said, adding: “I firmly believe it is because of my foreign-sounding name.”

The Baden-Württemberg resident also said he faced xenophobia on the street on a regular basis.

“I have been told several times to get out of Germany, even though I am married to a German and have three children,” he said. “It is utterly disgusting how poorly I have been treated here.”

Summing up the issue, one respondent who also lives in Baden-Württemberg said that xenophobia in Germany could be difficult to prove but was clearly felt by those who experienced it.

“Germany has a long way to go compared to the English-speaking West when it comes to ingrained, systemic xenophobia,” they said. “This is often implied rather than clearly demonstrated, making it difficult to prove, but clearly experienced and felt by anyone who is ‘different’.”

‘People won’t go on a date with you’

Just like Adithya in his house search, many foreigners are tempted to test the waters with a real – or imagined – German name to see if they receive a better response.

One respondent who preferred to remain anonymous said that they had done this while both flat hunting and looking for a job.

“Recruiters have rejected my CV but called me for an interview when I changed my name to an imaginary German name on the exact same CV,” they revealed. “Landlords have refused my application outright, but accepted when a German friend applied.”

When job offers had been given, they added, they had sometimes have to contend with salary offers that were up to €30,000 lower than anticipated.

A sign outside Stuttgart Jobcenter. Photo: picture alliance/dpa | Christoph Schmidt

“The hiring team implied that I was not German enough despite being highly qualified and with more than 12 years of experience,” they said.

This feeling of being held back and underestimated was echoed by 39-year-old Vipul, a Munich resident who has lived in Germany for more than 16 years.

“I can say with complete authority that one’s name is everything in Germany,” he explained. “You can’t really progress in your career beyond a certain point, no matter your credentials, and no matter how brilliant you might be.”

Beyond the struggle to build a career, Vipul said he had experienced everyday racism in places that are meant to be caring environments, like doctors’ surgeries and hospitals, as well as in numerous other contexts.

“In this so-called super-diverse country, people won’t even go out on a date with you if you are a foreign man with a ‘strange’ name,” he said. “And of course, the worst kind of xenophobia, or discrimination occurs when you want to find a place to live. It’s one’s worst nightmare!”

Coming from the ‘right’ country

US-citizen Helen, who lives in Bonn, encapsulated the feeling of many readers: “In every aspect of life, having a foreign name is a disadvantage in Germany.”

However, some pointed out that there were also degrees to the discrimination foreigners faced – particularly when it comes to your country of origin.

“I have been treated with scepticism on numerous occasions given that I have a visibly non-German name,” said one reader who lives in North Rhine-Westphalia. “I do come from what Germans consider to be one of the ‘right countries’ but this has not necessarily made things easier.”

Nevertheless, this sense of the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ countries – of the cultural insiders and outsiders – appears to cut to the heart of why, seemingly, a name is everything in Germany.

People enter the immigration office

For foreigners who move to Germany and settle in Berlin, a visit to the Berliner Landesamt für Einwanderung (LEA) is ultimately unavoidable. Photo: picture alliance/dpa | Britta Pedersen

That was the view of 36-year-old Andrés, who said he had noticed a distinct difference between the treatment of Europeans and non-Europeans in Germany, and particularly those from the Global South.

“Sadly, it seems to depend not on the name itself sounding foreign, but to where specifically the name might be from,” he explained. “My Spanish name has made no difference at all, but I’ve seen people with Middle Eastern names have a different experience.”

By a stroke of luck, Freiburg resident Sonny was given his nickname as a youngster, having grown up in a country where only Islamic or native names are allowed in official documents.

As a non-Muslim, he identified more with the nickname than his official name – which has proved to be an advantage in Germany.

“Every time I use the nickname, it is much easier to get the initial talk going for people to get to now me as a person first and then I don’t care if they get a surprise seeing my name in official documents,” he explained.

“If I use my official name to begin with, I don’t even receive a response!”

For Sonny, the answer to the dilemma is clear: “My ‘life priority’ is to get a new identity after citizenship,” he said.

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