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DANISH HABITS

Six mistakes everyone makes when they first move to Denmark

Moving to a new country is often a crash-course in learning a new culture - with a few embarrassments along the way.

Published: 20 June 2023 15:56 CEST
Updated: 29 October 2023 08:15 CET

Six mistakes everyone makes when they first move to Denmark

Wait until the person (or Viking) is green before you cross a Danish road. File photo: Henning Bagger/Ritzau Scanpix

It’s no different in Denmark with cultural differences ranging from crossing the road to expectations of service in cafes and attitudes to small talk.

Here are six mistakes you’d be forgiven for making when you first move to Denmark.

Expecting everyone to say ‘please’ in cafes and restaurants

It’s well-known in Denmark that you don’t need to say please when ordering something in a café or restaurant, but newcomers to the country might be oblivious to this fact.

While you might not know this to start with, the Danish language has no word which directly translates to ‘please’. This means people don’t say ‘please’ when, for example, ordering a drinking and can sometimes speak very directly.

It’s easy to interpret this for rudeness but it’s really just a reflection of different ways of speaking. Danes don’t consider each other to be rude when they use direct forms of address in places like cafes. They also make up for the lack of ‘please’ in the Danish language by being prolific at using tak, the Danish word for “thank you”.

Crossing the road when the light is red

For people from the UK, if there are no cars coming but the light is still red at a zebra crossing (kryds) or junction, it’s generally accepted that it’s okay to cross the road. In fact, most people probably wouldn’t think twice about it.

In Denmark meanwhile, people wait until the light has turned green – even if it means waiting on the side of an empty, quiet street for what seems like minutes, without any cars going past.

Why? Because there are fines for jaywalking in Denmark. While it’s rare, occasionally police do appear at pedestrian crossings and issue fines to pedestrians who disobey the country’s traffic laws by crossing the road on a red.

Saying “I am busy” when you are… busy

This is not related to Denmark’s favourable work-life balance but more to a linguistic quirk which is very easy to fall foul of when you are still learning to speak Danish.

If you have to drop off the car at the garage, pick up the children from school, work from home and get the laundry done by 3pm, you would say, in Danish, jeg har travlt.

Translated literally, this means “I have busy”, which obviously doesn’t make sense in English (a more accurate translation might be something like “I have business”).

English speakers who are neophytes to Danish often say jeg er travlt, which means “I am busy” but doesn’t make any sense in Danish (“I am business”?).

This particular language hurdle has even made it into Danish film, where an Italian character in the 1999 romantic comedy Den eneste ene (The One and Only) is pulled up by his Danish girlfriend for continually making the error.

Attempting small talk with strangers

For British people, small talk about the weather is a guaranteed conversation starter – no matter how cliche that might be. Americans and Australians are even less likely to hold back and will happily greet strangers and start a conversation on a range of topics.

In Denmark, small talk is not as common and people generally prefer to have meaningful conversations about topics they are interested in.

Danes can also be more reserved around people they are not familiar with and shy away from asking personal questions until they know them better.

So, if you try making small talk at a bus stop and it falls flat, don’t take it personally. It’s just not the done thing in Denmark.

Arriving late

Punctuality is highly rated in Nordic cultures and lateness can be seen as being rude. If you think you are going to be late it’s a good idea to call or text to let the person know in advance.

Turning up late without warning is seen as bad manners and won’t win you any brownie points.

Whether it’s a birthday celebration, konfirmation, Easter lunch, family get together or university reunion, Danes tend to arrive punctually. This is not the case in all cultures, so it’s worth aiming for the exact time you’ve been told the occasion starts, rather than interpreting too much leeway.

If you arrive ten minutes too early or too late you should be fine, but anything more than that will probably need some degree of declaring undskyld (sorry) to smooth over any awkwardness.

Not offering to help the hosts

Danish culture is quite egalitarian and, should you get to the (quite advanced) stage of being invited to a Danish home, there’s no harm in asking the host if you can help with the dishes or where you should take your plates once the meal is done.

You might notice other guests take their dirty crockery and silverware out to the kitchen with them as they leave the table – if so, feel free to follow their example.

Although your offer to help with the dishes might be turned down, it will probably be appreciated and you certainly won’t be imposing.

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How to survive a children's birthday party in Denmark

If you’re hosting, remember: man skal bare hygge sig (you only need to have a nice time!)

In a some countries, children’s parties (børnefødselsdage) are an opportunity for social competition. You blast other parents away with a conjuror flown in from Dubai, helium on tap, cakes and treats from the most expensive local caterer, glitzy decor, and generous presents for each attendant.

Not in Denmark. Here it should be hyggeligt: good enough to meet the minimum requirements for a children’s party, but not so lavish as to create a standard other parents might struggle to meet. In short, just make sure everyone feels comfortable and that there’s a pleasant vibe.

You can add small personal touches – cute homemade cup cakes, a party game from your own country – but nothing too dramatic.

Whatever you do though, don’t forget the Danish flags. The national flag, Dannebrog, is not only a symbol of patriotic pride but a marker of any celebratory occasion, not least birthdays. You’ll see little paper flags stuck into the grass outside, tiny ones scattered across the dining table and, if there’s a flagpole on the property, an outsized version of the red Danish flag proudly flying to show there’s a birthday going on.

A flagpole is not a must, but making sure there are flags is. Fortunately, this is easy to do if you’re hosting a birthday, because all supermarkets sell packets of paper flags of all sizes, for the specific purpose of using them for birthday parties.

Who to invite?

There aren’t any strict rules about this, but until the age of nine or so, don’t be surprised if you are expected to invite all the kids in your child’s børnehave (kindergarten) or class, even the weird ones with unsavoury parents.

If they all come, and you invite friends too, this can mean something like 15-20 children, and perhaps a similar number of adults, running around your house or apartment.

While a good way to cut down on numbers might be to send out the invitations a week, or even just two or three days, in advance — Danes aren’t big on spontaneity — you might find that even with plenty of notice, the number who have prior plans will mean you end up with a manageable amount.

Although Denmark is a highly digitised society, birthday party invitations can still be sent out like they were in the 1990s and 2000s — on a piece of paper deposited at each of your child’s’ classmates’ coat hooks, drawers, or whatever other space they have for storage at their school or kindergarten.

Where to have it?

If your house or apartment is big enough to handle 20-30 people, then you can host it at home. In which case, to meet Danish standards, you should make sure everything is impeccably tidy. In terms of decor, aside from the mandatory flags (see above), balloons and maybe a bit of bunting are enough.

If you live in a 50 square-metre, two-bed apartment, and want to avoid a squeeze, many blocks of apartments in Denmark have a shared function room called a fællessal. These can be a little institutional and you should book it well in advance (usually through the building’s vicevært or the housing association, if this is applicable). On the plus side, you won’t have to tidy your house before the event.

Skattejagt or fiskedam?

Danish children’s parties – up until the children are aged about nine anyway – usually have one of these two things.

A skattejagt is a treasure hunt (skat = treasure, jagt = hunt), where a series of paper clues leads to a box or bag containing bags of sweeties. A fiskedam is a fishing game (fisk = fish, dam = pond) in which bags of sweeties are fished out.

Whichever it is, the game is often announced by the birthday boy or girl halfway through the party and is a way of delivering a sweetie bag into the hands of each child while also sending a signal to parents that it will soon be time to get going.

These games are quite important in successfully creating a hyggelig kid’s birthday vibe. If you don’t have them, children will complain.

For the skattejagt, the clues can be simply a drawing of the place where the next clue is hidden, but for older kids they can be more challenging and creative: I’ve heard of clues frozen in a block of ice in the freezer, hung out of the window on string, and put inside balloons which need to be popped.

For the fiskedam, a curtain or sheet is pinned about 150 centimetres high across a doorway. A fishing rod is then created from a broom handle or other suitable pole, with a piece of string tied to the end, and a clothes peg at the other end of the string. Children (with the help of an adult) then fish for the sweetie bags, and an adult on the other side either attaches the sweets, or some sort of comedy item (a sock, a boot, or an unused nappy, for instance).

The bag should contain maybe ten sweets, of which one is a lollipop as well as maybe a small toy like a temporary tattoo or bouncy ball.

What should you lay on?

A giant thermos of coffee for parents is pretty much obligatory. There should be also be tea, but you don’t need to go overboard here. A box of green tea bags and another one with some kind of fruit infusion will do. If you’re attending a birthday (or anything else in Denmark for that matter), then Yorkshire Tea or PG Tips are not going to be on the menu.

Some biscuits or småkager for the grown ups to nibble on also goes down well, as does some sliced fruit like melon, pear and apple. If it’s summer, include a bowl of strawberries (don’t worry about the cream).

You should lay on a couple of different types of crisp or nuts, and children should also get saft, a berry squash drink.

If you want to offer warm food — this is not a bad idea if the party is likely to last a few hours — then pølsehorn, small hotdogs which can either be baked with your own dough or bought frozen, are enough to keep everyone happy (with a bit of ketchup on the side).

It’s a good idea to offer sausage, biscuit and cake options in vegetarian, gluten-free, and lactose-free form.

What about the cake?

In the UK and the US, it is totally acceptable and even encouraged to make your own cake representing a child’s favourite cartoon character, an animal or a vehicle.

This is less common in Denmark, where a lagkage, literally “layer cake” consisting of layers of sponge, cream, strawberries and chocolate is the quintessential birthday cake at kids’ parties.

If you want to push the boat out a bit while remaining fully traditional you could buy or make a lagkage with an extra marzipan layer.

Putting candles on the cake and getting the fødselar or birthday boy or girl to blow them out is not uncommon but I’ve also seen children’s birthdays where this hasn’t featured, leading me to think it’s probably an imported custom in Denmark.

What to do as a guest?

Danes are punctual, so unless you’ve warned otherwise, turn up within 15 minutes of the party’s official start time, and pick up your children about 15 minutes before the official end (if you’re not staying — for younger children, a parent will probably stay for the duration).

Children can be dressed up in fancy dress, or in better-than-average clothes, but shouldn’t be in mini-tuxedos or frilly crinoline. Normal clothes are also fine, but they should be clean.

Up until about the age of five or maybe six, at least one parent is expected to stay while the party is going on. After that, most will just take off their children’s boots and jacket, oversee the giving of presents, and disappear.

If you do have the chance to stay, it’s probably best to do so, as it’s one of the best opportunities you will find to get to know other parents as a foreigner in Denmark.

If you do, you should probably help out the hosts with clearing the table, stacking the dishwasher, and calming crying children.

You should bring a present for your child to hand over but it’s best not to spend much more than 100 kroner. Cards are less important but older children might want to a write longer message to their friend, in which case you should not hold back. Toy guns, swords, knives and nunchucks are generally frowned upon.

Do you have any tips for Danish birthdays? Let us know in the comments.

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